I am Still Finding Joy

I am sucking it up and going home this weekend.  I'm sick as a dog and it's about dang time that I went to my family doctor and got this whole thing straightened out and squared away!

I still don't know if I'm ready, but it's not as though I ever will be.  I wasn't ready for any of this, but sometimes life just happens and takes you along for the ride.  And boy, what a beautiful ride it's been so far <3

Here's the thing; I think I'm finally ready to start moving forward on my own, rather than just being swept away with the tide.  Somewhere out there, there is a man who is going to be complete in Christ, and I will be complete in Christ, and when we meet, the three of us will spin a love story that I could never imagine.  But, for now, it's just me and Jesus here, and even now it's quite a love story.

I'm learning to allow Him to romance me.  You guys, I'm laughing again, and smiling again, and meaning it!  I am still very broken, but I am seeing the beauty in that more and more every day.  And He is giving such a capacity to take joy in the little things in life.  Like my mustache ring;

And on that note,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Beautifully Broken

It wouldn't be so beautiful if it wasn't first broken.

In our chapel auditorium here at MVNU we have these beautiful stained glass windows.  God is using them to teach me about myself.

So, here's the breakdown; I am a stained glass window.  Right now, I'm broken.  Shattered, actually.  But God is in the process of putting me back together.  You see, I had to be broken in order to reach the beauty that He has in store for me.  It hurts like crazy, but I never wish it wasn't this way.  Admittedly, I sometimes plead with Him, "Daddy, why?  Why do I have to watch the man I love move on and find someone else?  Why can't I just be over it like he is?  Why am I not happy again yet?  Can I please have a day without crying?"  But those aren't questions I need the answers to.  Honestly, I have complete trust in God for the first time in my entire life.  I know that what He has planned for me is good, and is beyond my wildest dreams.

C.S. Lewis discusses in The Weight of Glory how we, as humans, are too easily satisfied.  I would have been happy with Zach.  I would have been satisfied.  But, as C.S. Lewis says, that would be like being content to play in a sandbox in the backyard, simply because I didn't know that there was a sandy beach awaiting me.  I would have been satisfied, but for me God has so much more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Zach isn't an absolutely amazing young man.  He is.  And the Lord is working in him in big ways right now, too.  That is going to be awesome.  What I'm saying is this; Daddy has something in store for me, and I have to let go of the future I had planned for myself in order to pursue the future that awaits me.  

In closing, listen closely to the words of this song.  It epitomizes what it is to find joy in sorrow.  And it's pretty ;)  So, enjoy.

Oh, and by the way,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Not Ready

I'm terrified to go home.  I really wanted to see my family this weekend, and spend time with them.  And I would have loved to see all my old friends.  But I'm scared.  I'm not ready.

I'm afraid to see the couch we were sitting on when we had our first kiss, or the stove where he used to make me pancakes in the morning, or the path by my house that we used to walk together.  Or to see that engagement ring I waited so long to wear back in its drawer.  I'm not ready to sleep in the bed that he tucked me into so many times.  And I am least of all ready to see him.

I don't know why these things frighten me so.  And I don't know if I will ever be ready.  For some reason it feels like going home will finalize the fact that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with no longer loves me.

I am sorry, to the family and friends that miss me.  I am sorry that I can't come home.  Please just know that I love you all.

And, ultimately, that I will learn that My God is Enough <3

I am Still Hearing God's Voice

Something amazing happened to me a few days ago- I heard the voice of the Lord.  Not loud and clear like a trumpet, but a still, small whisper.  He was speaking to me right there in the middle of class!  I grabbed a pencil, and began to write what He was whispering to my heart.  I believe these words are a fortress of peace meant for more than just myself, so I am going to share them with you.  Please, take the time to read this aloud to yourself, and let the peace of Christ fill your spirit.

This is what I heard;

"You are ignorant, but I am not.  Trust in my goodness.  Hope is found in what you do not know.  For I know the goodness in your suffering.  I see the wellness that will be found at the end of your unrest.  I see you.  In whole.  In past, present, and future.  And I deem you good.  Good enough for an eternity in my arms.

"My arms are your eternal home, so fret not for the troubles of this life.  This is but a snippet of forever.  You are in the sorrow of a short night, but you shall find joy in an endless morning.  Come, rest in my arms this night, and forget not the hope of the morning.  For morning shall surely come.  This darkness leads to an endless sunrise.  Live today in the joy that is found in the hope of tomorrow."

It is my hope that this touches your heart like it touched mine.  The revelation of small truths of who God is can bring untold peace.  Come, be romanced by Him with me.

For Our God is Enough <3

I am Still Complete

Two days ago, while worshiping with a friend, I had this strange, strong knowledge that I was supposed to meet with one of my professors, Matt Price, to discuss the situation I find myself in right now.  In the heat of the "revelation moment", I hopped right on my computer and shot him an email, scheduling a time to talk.

Skip to the next day and questions are racing through my mind; "What was I thinking?  What am I even going to say to him?  I don't know this guy at all.  What if he has no idea what to tell me?  And is it even appropriate for me to share with my professor about my wreckage of a personal life?"

Well, thanks be to God alone, I didn't chicken out and cancel our meeting.  I can honestly say that I went walking in there with my head held high, a smile on my face, and absolutely no clue what I was going to say.  Within a minute, we were discussing things like we had known each other for a life time.  I told him my sob story, and he told me this; I need to learn to be a complete, whole person in Christ, separate from every other person.  This blew my mind.  It occurred to me that, when I was with Zach, I wasn't being Krista at all.  I was being the Krista in, "Zach and Krista", not the Krista in Christ.

This is what this new season in my life is about; discovering who I am in Christ, and allowing myself to find completeness in him, rather than a man.  I am going to learn to be Krista the follower of Christ.  I am learning to be who he needs me to be, instead of who Zachary needed me to be.

I'll spill my guts about the new things I am learning about my purpose at a later date.  But, for now, what I want you to know is that you, too, are complete and whole in Christ.  No other person completes who you are.  So I hope you find rest in that, as I did.  We are complete.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still in Love

I've been pondering the words to this song tonight.  Here I am, pining after the love of a man, when the Lord of all creation is ready and willing to give me all the love I could ever ask for.  Maybe it's time I refocus who the object of my adoration is.

I want to fall in love and to be romanced by Christ again, finally.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Honest

Sometimes I still text Zach, just to tell him that I still love him that day.  Maybe he hates that.  I wouldn't know, he never replies.  But I'm glad that I do it, because I'm not going to pretend like he isn't still my first choice.  Logically, the two of us just cannot be together.  But my heart longs for him.

I am discovering, through this, that I am still an honest person.  People ask me how I'm handling the break up, and I'm straightforward about it; it sucks, but it is what it is.

I find hope in leaving nothing unsaid.  I would hate to wake up one morning and think to myself, "Why didn't I tell him?"

Today, I told him this; "I will always stand up for you in any opportunity I can.  Not just because I am still madly in love with you, but because you deserve it.  No matter what anyone ever says or thinks about you, please know that I find you to be a wonderful person worthy of love and respect.  I have been praying for you, Zachary.  You are still the object of my adoration.  Today and every day I will adore you for who you are and who you have been, and who we were together."

I don't know if he even received it.  Again, no reply.  And maybe doing this makes me one of those stalkerish ex-girlfriends, but I don't care.  He deserves to know that he is wonderful.  I will always be honest with him about that.