A Lesson From '11

Just thought I'd take a moment to share with you all what is probably the most valuable lesson I learned in 2011.

Here's the thing about relationships, no one ever really "gets it together". You can ask any married couple, they still fight and struggle. But when you begin to put expectations on your significant other that they, as a person, just cannot meet, that is when it gets dangerous. That is when they have become your idol. It's like this; a lot of people decide that they have found "the one" and want to believe that their romance is like a fairy tale, and that the one they are with is perfect in every way. This is what makes love blind. This is the dangerous moment when you have put a human on a pedestal that God alone belongs on.


Once you begin to realize that that person will never be the perfect person you made them out to be, that's when the time comes to decide whether you should stay or go. You have to step away from looking at who you expect them to be and start looking at who they truly ARE, and if who they are is someone you are willing to live with for the rest of your life and willing to make those compromises with, and when they are willing to do the same for you and not expect more of you than you are capable of, then you stay. If the two of you cannot still love the person you are with when you look at who they really are, then you go.

This is just a shard of the wisdom that I have gleaned in the past year.

Keep the right One on your pedestal, the only One who is enough.

Our God is Enough <3

Futuristic Pessimism

"A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better." -Anonymous

Somewhere along the way, I became a pessimist.  Or maybe I always have been one.  But I am discovering that I always go into relationships with the mindset "Don't get your hopes up, Krista."  And ever since things went south with Zach, it's been even worse.

The truth is, things are going wonderfully for me right now.  School has me a little stressed out and in over my head, but there is a guy in my life who is so perfect that it's almost too good to be true.  He treats me the way I deserve to be treated and legitimately cares about me, but all I can think is how this can't be real.  Sometimes I freak out inside a little bit and want to run away.  I don't want to taste perfection only to have it ripped away from me.  That would devastate me.  So, I am proceeding with caution.  I want to be able to dive into this thing wholeheartedly with a smile on my face, but there is an ever-present nagging voice that says, "It might not work out.  Don't get too excited.  Keep your distance."

The funny thing is, I try to keep my distance and listen to that voice, but this guy has a way of breaking through the barriers I've built.  It drives me crazy- but, in a good way.  I'm becoming "that" girl, who is a mess of giggles and gets all mushy around him.  How gross is that?  

Wait a second- what happened to that whole trusting in the Lord thing?  That literally just occurred to me.  Oh Krista, how clueless you can be sometimes.  I think it's time to calm down and rest in the joys that Christ has given me in this time.  Just because things are going well doesn't mean that God suddenly stops having a plan for me.  He is still weaving everything together for my good.  I trust in that.

Let's not forget him in the good times.  Because, in good times and bad, our God is enough <3

Enough

It's time to stop looking at my life as who I "still" am without Zach.  That was good for a time.  That was what I needed.  But now, it's time to embrace the fact that he is no longer of any consequence to who I am.  Allowing myself to continue thinking of who I "still" am makes it harder for me to leave the past behind me.  

Honestly, because of all of this, I am a mess.  I'm terrified of being walked away from.  There is a new someone special in my life, and it's not easy for me to trust that he'll stick around.  It's scary.  I mean, I gave all of myself to Zach and eventually he realized it wasn't good enough and walked away.  Maybe all of me will never be good enough for someone else.  

But here's the thing; that's not who God says I am.  I always close out this blog with the thought that "My God is Enough", but he has been whispering to me, "You are enough for me, too".  How mind boggling is that?  I, a sinner, reveling in all of my unworthiness and drowning in a sea of ungratefulness, am enough for him.  He wants all of me.  I am a beautiful mess of brokenness, and that is enough for him.  I find rest in that.

So, when we feel so unworthy, may we remember that our God is enough, and we are enough for him.

I Still Have a Home

"If we are growing, we are always going to be out of our comfort zone."

I finally did it.  I went home.

I realized fairly early last week that it was time to face my fears, before home became something too distant for me to reach again.  So, home I came.  My wonderful mother had rearranged my bedroom to help dispel the memory of Zach that lives there.  That memory will always live there, but she has no idea how much of a help it was.

Going home wasn't easy.  I knew it wasn't going to be.  I dreamed about Zach all Friday night, and when I woke up Saturday morning, I had to take a few minutes to remind myself that he and I are no longer an "us".  I allowed myself to shed a few tears, thanked God for what He had given me, and then shook myself off, got up, and put a smile on.  And from that point on, the day was mine, and what a good day it was.  I spent time with dear old friends, and reconnected with someone who I never knew would become such a vital part of my life again.  Then on Sunday, I spent a few beautiful hours with a group of friends that I used to spend all of my time with.  I forgot just how much fun we all have together.  It was perfect.  The old gang is getting back together, and it's gonna be quite a ride.

All this to say that I am healing.  My wounds are closing.  And though I know that they will leave scars that will last a lifetime, and that maybe when I finally see him again those wounds will open back up, but I think it's safe to say that the worst is over.  He has moved on, and I know who he is now with.  And, honestly, I am not mad.  I love them both so dearly, and I hope things go well for them.  In the end, I just want Zach to find happiness, and to find his completeness in Christ.  So, it's time for me to move on, too.

"Move on.  It's just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book- just turn the page."

It is time for a new chapter to begin.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Finding Joy

I am sucking it up and going home this weekend.  I'm sick as a dog and it's about dang time that I went to my family doctor and got this whole thing straightened out and squared away!

I still don't know if I'm ready, but it's not as though I ever will be.  I wasn't ready for any of this, but sometimes life just happens and takes you along for the ride.  And boy, what a beautiful ride it's been so far <3

Here's the thing; I think I'm finally ready to start moving forward on my own, rather than just being swept away with the tide.  Somewhere out there, there is a man who is going to be complete in Christ, and I will be complete in Christ, and when we meet, the three of us will spin a love story that I could never imagine.  But, for now, it's just me and Jesus here, and even now it's quite a love story.

I'm learning to allow Him to romance me.  You guys, I'm laughing again, and smiling again, and meaning it!  I am still very broken, but I am seeing the beauty in that more and more every day.  And He is giving such a capacity to take joy in the little things in life.  Like my mustache ring;

And on that note,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Beautifully Broken

It wouldn't be so beautiful if it wasn't first broken.

In our chapel auditorium here at MVNU we have these beautiful stained glass windows.  God is using them to teach me about myself.

So, here's the breakdown; I am a stained glass window.  Right now, I'm broken.  Shattered, actually.  But God is in the process of putting me back together.  You see, I had to be broken in order to reach the beauty that He has in store for me.  It hurts like crazy, but I never wish it wasn't this way.  Admittedly, I sometimes plead with Him, "Daddy, why?  Why do I have to watch the man I love move on and find someone else?  Why can't I just be over it like he is?  Why am I not happy again yet?  Can I please have a day without crying?"  But those aren't questions I need the answers to.  Honestly, I have complete trust in God for the first time in my entire life.  I know that what He has planned for me is good, and is beyond my wildest dreams.

C.S. Lewis discusses in The Weight of Glory how we, as humans, are too easily satisfied.  I would have been happy with Zach.  I would have been satisfied.  But, as C.S. Lewis says, that would be like being content to play in a sandbox in the backyard, simply because I didn't know that there was a sandy beach awaiting me.  I would have been satisfied, but for me God has so much more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Zach isn't an absolutely amazing young man.  He is.  And the Lord is working in him in big ways right now, too.  That is going to be awesome.  What I'm saying is this; Daddy has something in store for me, and I have to let go of the future I had planned for myself in order to pursue the future that awaits me.  

In closing, listen closely to the words of this song.  It epitomizes what it is to find joy in sorrow.  And it's pretty ;)  So, enjoy.

Oh, and by the way,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Not Ready

I'm terrified to go home.  I really wanted to see my family this weekend, and spend time with them.  And I would have loved to see all my old friends.  But I'm scared.  I'm not ready.

I'm afraid to see the couch we were sitting on when we had our first kiss, or the stove where he used to make me pancakes in the morning, or the path by my house that we used to walk together.  Or to see that engagement ring I waited so long to wear back in its drawer.  I'm not ready to sleep in the bed that he tucked me into so many times.  And I am least of all ready to see him.

I don't know why these things frighten me so.  And I don't know if I will ever be ready.  For some reason it feels like going home will finalize the fact that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with no longer loves me.

I am sorry, to the family and friends that miss me.  I am sorry that I can't come home.  Please just know that I love you all.

And, ultimately, that I will learn that My God is Enough <3