Futuristic Pessimism

"A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better." -Anonymous

Somewhere along the way, I became a pessimist.  Or maybe I always have been one.  But I am discovering that I always go into relationships with the mindset "Don't get your hopes up, Krista."  And ever since things went south with Zach, it's been even worse.

The truth is, things are going wonderfully for me right now.  School has me a little stressed out and in over my head, but there is a guy in my life who is so perfect that it's almost too good to be true.  He treats me the way I deserve to be treated and legitimately cares about me, but all I can think is how this can't be real.  Sometimes I freak out inside a little bit and want to run away.  I don't want to taste perfection only to have it ripped away from me.  That would devastate me.  So, I am proceeding with caution.  I want to be able to dive into this thing wholeheartedly with a smile on my face, but there is an ever-present nagging voice that says, "It might not work out.  Don't get too excited.  Keep your distance."

The funny thing is, I try to keep my distance and listen to that voice, but this guy has a way of breaking through the barriers I've built.  It drives me crazy- but, in a good way.  I'm becoming "that" girl, who is a mess of giggles and gets all mushy around him.  How gross is that?  

Wait a second- what happened to that whole trusting in the Lord thing?  That literally just occurred to me.  Oh Krista, how clueless you can be sometimes.  I think it's time to calm down and rest in the joys that Christ has given me in this time.  Just because things are going well doesn't mean that God suddenly stops having a plan for me.  He is still weaving everything together for my good.  I trust in that.

Let's not forget him in the good times.  Because, in good times and bad, our God is enough <3

Enough

It's time to stop looking at my life as who I "still" am without Zach.  That was good for a time.  That was what I needed.  But now, it's time to embrace the fact that he is no longer of any consequence to who I am.  Allowing myself to continue thinking of who I "still" am makes it harder for me to leave the past behind me.  

Honestly, because of all of this, I am a mess.  I'm terrified of being walked away from.  There is a new someone special in my life, and it's not easy for me to trust that he'll stick around.  It's scary.  I mean, I gave all of myself to Zach and eventually he realized it wasn't good enough and walked away.  Maybe all of me will never be good enough for someone else.  

But here's the thing; that's not who God says I am.  I always close out this blog with the thought that "My God is Enough", but he has been whispering to me, "You are enough for me, too".  How mind boggling is that?  I, a sinner, reveling in all of my unworthiness and drowning in a sea of ungratefulness, am enough for him.  He wants all of me.  I am a beautiful mess of brokenness, and that is enough for him.  I find rest in that.

So, when we feel so unworthy, may we remember that our God is enough, and we are enough for him.