What is God to you?

A good friend of mine, who happens to be an atheist, asked me this question last night:

"What is God to you?"

Here was my answer:

"The answer to that question changes a lot over the course of my life.  He is what I need him to be at the time, but in retrospect I find he's always been all of these things I've needed combined.  And when I say "what I need him to be", I don't mean I'm like, "hey, God, be a pizza delivery guy, my stomach's growling," or "hey Jesus can you just tell me that what I'm doing is okay so I don't feel bad?"  I mean he is what I need in the ways that I don't even know I need at the time.

For example, last spring, I would only call God "daddy" when praying because I had, by no fault of his own, an insufficient relationship with my dad.  I desperately needed to feel protected, loved, and taken care of, therefore I saw God as a father figure.  I'm still in a place where I need all that, but as my relationship with my dad continues to improve and my life changes, my relationship with God develops into a new stage.  I'm not even entirely certain what he is becoming to me now, but I'm sure a year from now I'll look back and know.

Another example of that is that when I was 12, I was suicidal.  I seriously considered killing myself multiple times.  But then I really started developing a relationship with God, and at that time he was my reminder that I had purpose.  That there was a plan for my life, that I was going to make a difference to people and matter to them.  That was the biggest revelation in my life that took away my suicidal thoughts.  At that time I needed to know I was important and that in mattered whether I lived or died.  If the Lord hadn't made that clear to me, I'm sure I would've killed myself before turning 14.

So, all that to say, sometimes he's my guide, my father, my friend, my brother, my king, my provider, etc.  But whichever role he's fulfilling in my life, he's always exactly what I need."

I am very thankful that this friend is comfortable asking me questions like this.  It definitely made me think.

His response was kind and respectful:

"That's really neat.  I'm not being sarcastic.  Like that's genuinely awesome that you have that.  I feel like we are both intelligent, open-minded people and can have deep discussions without getting mad.  I respect you and your religious views.  If all Christians were like you, that'd be sweet."

Do I think that what I said is going to make him come to Christ?  No.  But I love the way that a simple question from an atheist that I have befriended can make me think and have a very real spiritual experience.  God works in the coolest ways.  It is my prayer for you that you are open to those who are different from you so that God may work in these ways within you and your relationships as well.

God bless!

Krista

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The other day, I was having a discussion with a good friend who is going through some heartache.  I could certainly relate.  This is what I said;

"I know what it's like to be ripped to shreds by someone.  To be left wondering what went wrong and how they could walk away from a relationship so seemingly perfect.  And to wonder if they'll ever see it the way you did and come back.  I'm still healing from a love like that.  The kind where you deserve to hate the person, but your stupid heart won't let you want anything but the best for them.  And you just want them to say or do something that will erase all the hurt and make it okay.

But I realized something recently: nothing will ever make it okay.  Even if they came back to you, they'd never be able to erase that hurt and the effects it's had on your life.  And there are no words that can undo what you've gone through the past year without them.

But the saving grace in all of this is that the very hurt they caused has left behind a scar that changed who we are.  It had a permanent effect on us and because of it we've become someone we never would have otherwise become.  And I like that scar.  I like who I am because of it.

And in the midst of all of that pain, I can read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and know that I must be doing something right, because I couldn't possibly hurt like this without first loving like that."

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Daddy the Dentist

     Well, it's safe to say that I haven't blogged in ages.  And, of course, I just got dumped.  I know what you're thinking, "Oh okay, so Krista only blogs about crappy break ups."  Well, false!  Because I don't intend to use this blog to air out my thoughts and emotions about the most recent break up.  To be honest, not a bone in my body is mad at Kevin and I have nothing bad to say about him.  He is a phenomenal young man, and someday I hope to be the very best of friends with him.  


     So, as a disclaimer, this continuance of my blog will NOT be a sappy, heart-wrenching, unrequited love kind of thing.  Rather, this is a documentation of what God has been showing me as of late.  Ever since I got dumped, the Lord has been drawing me in closer to him, and it's honestly been absolutely wonderful!  He has definitely shown me that I am not ready to be in a relationship yet because I can't seem to be this close with him unless I'm single.  Someday, I hope He'll make me ready and willing to be close with him and be in a romantic relationship simultaneously.  But, until then, it's just me and God.


     Today I've been reading Romans 9.  The part that really sticks out to me is as follows:


"Even though the Gentiles were not trying to follow God’s standards, they were made right with God. And it was by faith that this took place. ³¹ But the people of Israel, who tried so hard to get right with God by keeping the law, never succeeded. ³² Why not? Because they were trying to get right with God by keeping the law instead of by trusting in him."


     Wow, have I been getting this wrong or what?  How often do we attempt to grow closer to the Lord by stopping our sinning?  For whatever reason we think that, maybe if we get stop sinning so much, we'll automatically get closer to Christ again!  Man, you guys, what are we thinking?  We all know that's not how it works.  We sin, we suck at not sinning, that's the yuckiness of our sinful nature.  But, as Romans 8:9 says, we overcome the sinful nature by allowing the Holy Spirit to be in control.  And we all know that we can't give over control fully without first deciding to trust.  We have to come to the conclusion within ourselves that God knows just what the heck he is doing with our lives, even if we don't quite see what it is yet.  Once we decide that and abandon our control to him, it is THEN that we are able to stop sinning.  


     Think of it like this: so often when we go to the dentist's office, we brush our teeth really well beforehand, even though we know that he is going to clean our teeth as soon as we get there.  Something in us thinks that maybe we can fool him into believing that we've been taking good care of our teeth, but he's not an idiot, he knows we aren't doing as well as we should.  A lot of us end up needing fillings to make up for our dental misdeeds, and the dentist is the only one who can give us those fillings and ultimately fix the damage that we've done.


     You see where I'm going with this?  We do this to God.  We think we can clean ourselves up and then come to him spotless!  It doesn't work that way.  Just as the dentist sees the damage in our smiles, the Lord sees the damage on our hearts.  He has to fill in the broken parts with Him, and he is the only one who can do that.  It is soaking ourselves in the Lord and spending time with him that makes us spotless.  In fact, the sooner we give up on trying to be clean enough to come to him, the sooner he can fix us.  


    So, it is my goal to trust in the Lord, let the Holy Spirit take control, and allow my heavenly Daddy to make me into the spotless daughter that he wants me to be.  I urge all of you to make this your goal as well.  


     Well, that's all for now :)  And, as always, remember;


Our God is Enough <3


Oh, PS, speaking of "dentist", here's a video that made me chuckle:

A Lesson From '11

Just thought I'd take a moment to share with you all what is probably the most valuable lesson I learned in 2011.

Here's the thing about relationships, no one ever really "gets it together". You can ask any married couple, they still fight and struggle. But when you begin to put expectations on your significant other that they, as a person, just cannot meet, that is when it gets dangerous. That is when they have become your idol. It's like this; a lot of people decide that they have found "the one" and want to believe that their romance is like a fairy tale, and that the one they are with is perfect in every way. This is what makes love blind. This is the dangerous moment when you have put a human on a pedestal that God alone belongs on.


Once you begin to realize that that person will never be the perfect person you made them out to be, that's when the time comes to decide whether you should stay or go. You have to step away from looking at who you expect them to be and start looking at who they truly ARE, and if who they are is someone you are willing to live with for the rest of your life and willing to make those compromises with, and when they are willing to do the same for you and not expect more of you than you are capable of, then you stay. If the two of you cannot still love the person you are with when you look at who they really are, then you go.

This is just a shard of the wisdom that I have gleaned in the past year.

Keep the right One on your pedestal, the only One who is enough.

Our God is Enough <3

Futuristic Pessimism

"A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better." -Anonymous

Somewhere along the way, I became a pessimist.  Or maybe I always have been one.  But I am discovering that I always go into relationships with the mindset "Don't get your hopes up, Krista."  And ever since things went south with Zach, it's been even worse.

The truth is, things are going wonderfully for me right now.  School has me a little stressed out and in over my head, but there is a guy in my life who is so perfect that it's almost too good to be true.  He treats me the way I deserve to be treated and legitimately cares about me, but all I can think is how this can't be real.  Sometimes I freak out inside a little bit and want to run away.  I don't want to taste perfection only to have it ripped away from me.  That would devastate me.  So, I am proceeding with caution.  I want to be able to dive into this thing wholeheartedly with a smile on my face, but there is an ever-present nagging voice that says, "It might not work out.  Don't get too excited.  Keep your distance."

The funny thing is, I try to keep my distance and listen to that voice, but this guy has a way of breaking through the barriers I've built.  It drives me crazy- but, in a good way.  I'm becoming "that" girl, who is a mess of giggles and gets all mushy around him.  How gross is that?  

Wait a second- what happened to that whole trusting in the Lord thing?  That literally just occurred to me.  Oh Krista, how clueless you can be sometimes.  I think it's time to calm down and rest in the joys that Christ has given me in this time.  Just because things are going well doesn't mean that God suddenly stops having a plan for me.  He is still weaving everything together for my good.  I trust in that.

Let's not forget him in the good times.  Because, in good times and bad, our God is enough <3

Enough

It's time to stop looking at my life as who I "still" am without Zach.  That was good for a time.  That was what I needed.  But now, it's time to embrace the fact that he is no longer of any consequence to who I am.  Allowing myself to continue thinking of who I "still" am makes it harder for me to leave the past behind me.  

Honestly, because of all of this, I am a mess.  I'm terrified of being walked away from.  There is a new someone special in my life, and it's not easy for me to trust that he'll stick around.  It's scary.  I mean, I gave all of myself to Zach and eventually he realized it wasn't good enough and walked away.  Maybe all of me will never be good enough for someone else.  

But here's the thing; that's not who God says I am.  I always close out this blog with the thought that "My God is Enough", but he has been whispering to me, "You are enough for me, too".  How mind boggling is that?  I, a sinner, reveling in all of my unworthiness and drowning in a sea of ungratefulness, am enough for him.  He wants all of me.  I am a beautiful mess of brokenness, and that is enough for him.  I find rest in that.

So, when we feel so unworthy, may we remember that our God is enough, and we are enough for him.

I Still Have a Home

"If we are growing, we are always going to be out of our comfort zone."

I finally did it.  I went home.

I realized fairly early last week that it was time to face my fears, before home became something too distant for me to reach again.  So, home I came.  My wonderful mother had rearranged my bedroom to help dispel the memory of Zach that lives there.  That memory will always live there, but she has no idea how much of a help it was.

Going home wasn't easy.  I knew it wasn't going to be.  I dreamed about Zach all Friday night, and when I woke up Saturday morning, I had to take a few minutes to remind myself that he and I are no longer an "us".  I allowed myself to shed a few tears, thanked God for what He had given me, and then shook myself off, got up, and put a smile on.  And from that point on, the day was mine, and what a good day it was.  I spent time with dear old friends, and reconnected with someone who I never knew would become such a vital part of my life again.  Then on Sunday, I spent a few beautiful hours with a group of friends that I used to spend all of my time with.  I forgot just how much fun we all have together.  It was perfect.  The old gang is getting back together, and it's gonna be quite a ride.

All this to say that I am healing.  My wounds are closing.  And though I know that they will leave scars that will last a lifetime, and that maybe when I finally see him again those wounds will open back up, but I think it's safe to say that the worst is over.  He has moved on, and I know who he is now with.  And, honestly, I am not mad.  I love them both so dearly, and I hope things go well for them.  In the end, I just want Zach to find happiness, and to find his completeness in Christ.  So, it's time for me to move on, too.

"Move on.  It's just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book- just turn the page."

It is time for a new chapter to begin.

My God is Enough <3