I Still Have a Home

"If we are growing, we are always going to be out of our comfort zone."

I finally did it.  I went home.

I realized fairly early last week that it was time to face my fears, before home became something too distant for me to reach again.  So, home I came.  My wonderful mother had rearranged my bedroom to help dispel the memory of Zach that lives there.  That memory will always live there, but she has no idea how much of a help it was.

Going home wasn't easy.  I knew it wasn't going to be.  I dreamed about Zach all Friday night, and when I woke up Saturday morning, I had to take a few minutes to remind myself that he and I are no longer an "us".  I allowed myself to shed a few tears, thanked God for what He had given me, and then shook myself off, got up, and put a smile on.  And from that point on, the day was mine, and what a good day it was.  I spent time with dear old friends, and reconnected with someone who I never knew would become such a vital part of my life again.  Then on Sunday, I spent a few beautiful hours with a group of friends that I used to spend all of my time with.  I forgot just how much fun we all have together.  It was perfect.  The old gang is getting back together, and it's gonna be quite a ride.

All this to say that I am healing.  My wounds are closing.  And though I know that they will leave scars that will last a lifetime, and that maybe when I finally see him again those wounds will open back up, but I think it's safe to say that the worst is over.  He has moved on, and I know who he is now with.  And, honestly, I am not mad.  I love them both so dearly, and I hope things go well for them.  In the end, I just want Zach to find happiness, and to find his completeness in Christ.  So, it's time for me to move on, too.

"Move on.  It's just a chapter in the past, but don't close the book- just turn the page."

It is time for a new chapter to begin.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Finding Joy

I am sucking it up and going home this weekend.  I'm sick as a dog and it's about dang time that I went to my family doctor and got this whole thing straightened out and squared away!

I still don't know if I'm ready, but it's not as though I ever will be.  I wasn't ready for any of this, but sometimes life just happens and takes you along for the ride.  And boy, what a beautiful ride it's been so far <3

Here's the thing; I think I'm finally ready to start moving forward on my own, rather than just being swept away with the tide.  Somewhere out there, there is a man who is going to be complete in Christ, and I will be complete in Christ, and when we meet, the three of us will spin a love story that I could never imagine.  But, for now, it's just me and Jesus here, and even now it's quite a love story.

I'm learning to allow Him to romance me.  You guys, I'm laughing again, and smiling again, and meaning it!  I am still very broken, but I am seeing the beauty in that more and more every day.  And He is giving such a capacity to take joy in the little things in life.  Like my mustache ring;

And on that note,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Beautifully Broken

It wouldn't be so beautiful if it wasn't first broken.

In our chapel auditorium here at MVNU we have these beautiful stained glass windows.  God is using them to teach me about myself.

So, here's the breakdown; I am a stained glass window.  Right now, I'm broken.  Shattered, actually.  But God is in the process of putting me back together.  You see, I had to be broken in order to reach the beauty that He has in store for me.  It hurts like crazy, but I never wish it wasn't this way.  Admittedly, I sometimes plead with Him, "Daddy, why?  Why do I have to watch the man I love move on and find someone else?  Why can't I just be over it like he is?  Why am I not happy again yet?  Can I please have a day without crying?"  But those aren't questions I need the answers to.  Honestly, I have complete trust in God for the first time in my entire life.  I know that what He has planned for me is good, and is beyond my wildest dreams.

C.S. Lewis discusses in The Weight of Glory how we, as humans, are too easily satisfied.  I would have been happy with Zach.  I would have been satisfied.  But, as C.S. Lewis says, that would be like being content to play in a sandbox in the backyard, simply because I didn't know that there was a sandy beach awaiting me.  I would have been satisfied, but for me God has so much more.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Zach isn't an absolutely amazing young man.  He is.  And the Lord is working in him in big ways right now, too.  That is going to be awesome.  What I'm saying is this; Daddy has something in store for me, and I have to let go of the future I had planned for myself in order to pursue the future that awaits me.  

In closing, listen closely to the words of this song.  It epitomizes what it is to find joy in sorrow.  And it's pretty ;)  So, enjoy.

Oh, and by the way,

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Not Ready

I'm terrified to go home.  I really wanted to see my family this weekend, and spend time with them.  And I would have loved to see all my old friends.  But I'm scared.  I'm not ready.

I'm afraid to see the couch we were sitting on when we had our first kiss, or the stove where he used to make me pancakes in the morning, or the path by my house that we used to walk together.  Or to see that engagement ring I waited so long to wear back in its drawer.  I'm not ready to sleep in the bed that he tucked me into so many times.  And I am least of all ready to see him.

I don't know why these things frighten me so.  And I don't know if I will ever be ready.  For some reason it feels like going home will finalize the fact that the man I want to spend the rest of my life with no longer loves me.

I am sorry, to the family and friends that miss me.  I am sorry that I can't come home.  Please just know that I love you all.

And, ultimately, that I will learn that My God is Enough <3

I am Still Hearing God's Voice

Something amazing happened to me a few days ago- I heard the voice of the Lord.  Not loud and clear like a trumpet, but a still, small whisper.  He was speaking to me right there in the middle of class!  I grabbed a pencil, and began to write what He was whispering to my heart.  I believe these words are a fortress of peace meant for more than just myself, so I am going to share them with you.  Please, take the time to read this aloud to yourself, and let the peace of Christ fill your spirit.

This is what I heard;

"You are ignorant, but I am not.  Trust in my goodness.  Hope is found in what you do not know.  For I know the goodness in your suffering.  I see the wellness that will be found at the end of your unrest.  I see you.  In whole.  In past, present, and future.  And I deem you good.  Good enough for an eternity in my arms.

"My arms are your eternal home, so fret not for the troubles of this life.  This is but a snippet of forever.  You are in the sorrow of a short night, but you shall find joy in an endless morning.  Come, rest in my arms this night, and forget not the hope of the morning.  For morning shall surely come.  This darkness leads to an endless sunrise.  Live today in the joy that is found in the hope of tomorrow."

It is my hope that this touches your heart like it touched mine.  The revelation of small truths of who God is can bring untold peace.  Come, be romanced by Him with me.

For Our God is Enough <3

I am Still Complete

Two days ago, while worshiping with a friend, I had this strange, strong knowledge that I was supposed to meet with one of my professors, Matt Price, to discuss the situation I find myself in right now.  In the heat of the "revelation moment", I hopped right on my computer and shot him an email, scheduling a time to talk.

Skip to the next day and questions are racing through my mind; "What was I thinking?  What am I even going to say to him?  I don't know this guy at all.  What if he has no idea what to tell me?  And is it even appropriate for me to share with my professor about my wreckage of a personal life?"

Well, thanks be to God alone, I didn't chicken out and cancel our meeting.  I can honestly say that I went walking in there with my head held high, a smile on my face, and absolutely no clue what I was going to say.  Within a minute, we were discussing things like we had known each other for a life time.  I told him my sob story, and he told me this; I need to learn to be a complete, whole person in Christ, separate from every other person.  This blew my mind.  It occurred to me that, when I was with Zach, I wasn't being Krista at all.  I was being the Krista in, "Zach and Krista", not the Krista in Christ.

This is what this new season in my life is about; discovering who I am in Christ, and allowing myself to find completeness in him, rather than a man.  I am going to learn to be Krista the follower of Christ.  I am learning to be who he needs me to be, instead of who Zachary needed me to be.

I'll spill my guts about the new things I am learning about my purpose at a later date.  But, for now, what I want you to know is that you, too, are complete and whole in Christ.  No other person completes who you are.  So I hope you find rest in that, as I did.  We are complete.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still in Love

I've been pondering the words to this song tonight.  Here I am, pining after the love of a man, when the Lord of all creation is ready and willing to give me all the love I could ever ask for.  Maybe it's time I refocus who the object of my adoration is.

I want to fall in love and to be romanced by Christ again, finally.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Honest

Sometimes I still text Zach, just to tell him that I still love him that day.  Maybe he hates that.  I wouldn't know, he never replies.  But I'm glad that I do it, because I'm not going to pretend like he isn't still my first choice.  Logically, the two of us just cannot be together.  But my heart longs for him.

I am discovering, through this, that I am still an honest person.  People ask me how I'm handling the break up, and I'm straightforward about it; it sucks, but it is what it is.

I find hope in leaving nothing unsaid.  I would hate to wake up one morning and think to myself, "Why didn't I tell him?"

Today, I told him this; "I will always stand up for you in any opportunity I can.  Not just because I am still madly in love with you, but because you deserve it.  No matter what anyone ever says or thinks about you, please know that I find you to be a wonderful person worthy of love and respect.  I have been praying for you, Zachary.  You are still the object of my adoration.  Today and every day I will adore you for who you are and who you have been, and who we were together."

I don't know if he even received it.  Again, no reply.  And maybe doing this makes me one of those stalkerish ex-girlfriends, but I don't care.  He deserves to know that he is wonderful.  I will always be honest with him about that.

I am Still Not Settling

Life is too short to not be with the person you really want to be with.

I realized this yesterday and, as cliche as it sounds, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Lately, I've been watching some of my closest friends settle for someone who isn't their first choice.  I can't lie to them and say that that's okay, and that they should just settle for a sweet guy.  Never settle.  They have the opportunity to choose to be with the person that they really want to be with.  I no longer have that choice.

It's a precious, valuable choice to have.  I can't sit by and watch them squander it.

Honestly, Zachary is still the man who would be my first choice.  If I had the option to be with him, I would.  But I don't have that choice.  I will not allow that to make me settle.  I will be single for as long as it takes to find someone who can be my first choice.

Many of you still have the opportunity to make that choice.  So leave nothing unsaid.  And never settle for less than the true desire of your heart.

The Truth

"It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all..."

I feel that, as a disclaimer, I need to let everyone following this blog know that I will never hesitate to tell the raw truth about how I feel on here.  I had an amazing two years with Zach.  And I won't be one of those people who denies that.  I am happy for the memories we share.

I will not forget yesterday's joy in the face of today's sorrow.

I am Still Capable of Feeling

Today, I realized something very important.  I am still madly in love with Zachary.  When my phone lights up, I secretly hope it's him.  I dream about him most nights, and wake up in the morning to the realization that that's all over.  I still adore his family and wish that I had them to lean on in this tough time, but I don't.  And when I think of the eyes I will be looking into when I say, "I do", I desperately hope they are his beautiful two different colored ones.

Despite the pain that this brings me, and the tears rolling down my cheeks, I know that it's a good thing that I still love him.  It shows that, no matter how much hurt I endure in this life, I will be able to love at the end of it all.

My heart is so broken and I can feel it with every breath.  But that's definitely better than being numb.  Lord, may I never become apathetic.  May I hurt, cry, love, mourn, and in the morning rejoice.  Just let me never go numb.

My God is Enough <3

I am Still Loved

I have strep throat.  In case you were wondering, it's not pleasant.

I'm not supposed to leave my room until late tonight because I'm contagious, and apparently college kids are the most susceptible to strep.  But, despite the lonely quarantine, this has shown me another thing that I still am now that I'm single; I am loved.

My wonderful friends keep popping their heads into my room (keeping their distance, of course) and asking if there's anything they can get me.  It's very sweet.  It's helped me notice just how much love I've received from people ever since the break up.

Not to sound conceited, but if I am receiving so much love, there must still be something lovable about me.  It helps diffuse the, "will anyone ever love me again?" thoughts.  Someday, someone will.  In the meantime, I'm just happy to be loved by my friends and family, and my God.

My God is Enough <3

Who I Still Am

I spent two years of my life in love with Zach Zahnke.  We had a future planned together, names for our kids, budgeting plans, everything.  Everything that pertained to my purpose in life was attached to him.  But now that future has been shattered.  I still love him with all of my heart, and I'm pretty positive that I always will.  He showed me every day what the love of Christ looks like, and I hope I showed him that too.  We were engaged to be married, and more in love than I thought possible, but distance and young hearts will dash the strongest of loves.

Admittedly, I shouldn't have attached my entire future to him.  Nothing is set in stone.  But since I did, finding out who I am has been anything but easy.  A popular song states, "I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should."  That is the truth of where I'm at.

So, my project is to get on here every day, and post one statement that I know is a part of who I still am in this new time, without Zach.  I guess the joy in all this sorrow is that I get to choose.  Here goes everything;

Today, I know that, even though I do not know the future, I am loved by the God who is in charge of creating it.  Therefore, it must be good.

This belongs to all of you to.  I pray you find rest in it, and that I do as well.

My God is Enough <3